Sometimes, it's hard.

News is gruesome. There, I said it. I know you are all thinking it.

Blood. Gore. Death. Violence. Sex. Crime. Debauchery. Evil.

Who would choose to associate themselves with such awful aspects of the human condition?

Well, someone has to do it so the rest of you can be "in the know."

Nicole was pretty swamped at the Web desk today, so I decided to help her out. Maybe I should have stuck with editing.

Guess how many stories about child abuse I wrote today? Four. All victims were children under the age of 2. And quite frankly, I am not going to bother telling you the specifics because it will sicken you. All you have to do is go to the website (link on the sidebar) to see what a wonderful day I had. Let me just say, I gave my baby a big hug when I picked her up from Grammy's house today. And it was very hard to hold back the tears.

They say if you work in news, you have to be able to remove yourself from your emotions so you can deliver the news in an unbiased, effective way. You can't let these stories take over your life. You can't take them personally.

I've tried; I can't. I simply cannot turn off the mother in me. I become incensed, I get physically upset, and I want to drive myself down to the jail and rip these people's faces off when I read what they've done to their precious, innocent babies. I can hardly focus on AP Style, proper grammar, and inverted pyramids when I'm outraged at another parent's heinous actions towards their OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

Then, there are the stories of unfair death. Like the poor 63-year-old who was walking in a crosswalk at the appropriate time when an "alleged" drunken woman "allegedly" ran a red light and KILLED HIM. That happened this morning, right here in Mesa.

A person can only read so much about abuse, death, lies and murder before they become completely desensitized to it all. It's a mode of survival, really. Eat, or be eaten. Write, or be fired. Turn it off or turn into a nutcase.

But the people need to know...right?

Or...do they?

How much DO you want to know when you turn on the 10 o'clock news?

"Sharing is caring...

...it can be FUN!"

And it can be scary.

R.I.P., Newshawk 5.

Rubbin' elbows with legends.

Today, I had the pleasure of working with the meteorologists at the station. Steve Garry heard I did weather at BYU (his alma mater) and he wanted to show me the Weather Station, which was really cool. It's basically a bunch of computers that ingest weather information from satellites and allow the meteorologists to create their graphics, maps, etc. Very high-tech.

While we were there, Sean McLaughlin came back and we started talking a little. And then, he complimented my bracelet.

I know he's just a normal person, but I kind of had to pinch myself after that one. I've watched Sean do the weather since I was a child, when he was on Channel 12. Then he went to big-time network news at MSNBC, and finally came back to CBS 5. He's a legend. Quite the seasoned meteorologist. And a great news anchor, too.

Oh, and he's quite short, believe it or not. Don't worry; he admits this himself.

Meeting with ND.

I had a meeting with the news director (basically, the Head Honcho in the newsroom, for all those who don't know) at my station yesterday. She wanted to meet with each of the interns for a few minutes, and I was excited about it. She is a very level-headed, smart woman whom I really admire.

Anyway, she was impressed by my resume--I've been a reporter, associate producer, executive producer and weather anchor--and was surprised I'd already learned how to use the editing and scriptwriting software in college. Well, what can I say? BYU taught me well. I'd be nothing without the faculty in the Broadcast Journalism major.

Mostly, though, the ND thought it was spectacular how I was finished with all my coursework and was able to spend my last semester interning at home, in a top-20 news market. It had never really occured to me how fortunate I am it worked out this way until the ND reminded me at our meeting. She was right; it was quite spectacular. All of these things had to coincide just right:

1) I had to finish all my classes, despite having a baby half-way through my college career. I made a lot of sacrifices and it happened. But, I owe it all to the wonderful family members who babysat for me. Dillon, Mom, Liz, Peter, Michele, Kristin, and anyone else who accepted the call of duty. You made it possible.

2) Dillon had to transfer to Arizona. He was able to start December 20, a real blessing considering how sour the economy has been and how especially fragile his company is as well. And the timing was perfect because my internship started January 20th. Not to mention, we made it out of Utah JUST before the snow hit (we left at 7:00 a.m., the first snowstorm rolled in at 7:30!).

3) We had to find a cheap apartment in a central location. Ours is 2 bed, 2 bath, in Mesa, and only $650 a month. It is perfect for us.

4) I actually had to get an internship in Phoenix, which I did, at wonderful KPHO.

5) My mom and Dillon's mom are able to watch Audrey while I intern, so I don't have to pay for daycare or a babysitter.

After my meeting with the news director, I realized how lucky I am. No, I take that back. I am not lucky...this is truly meant to be. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in miracles.

And if anyone says I am wasting my time by going to college, I think to myself, "Well, God doesn't think so."

Something from a movie...

This is the view from my desk. Those TV's line the top of the assignment desk area. The red signs under them denote which station they are tuned to. Those two on the left are tuned to our CNN feed, so we can borrow video from them whenever we need to. The others are tuned to local stations so we can keep an eye on the competition. Don't worry--they do it, too.

Today is Monday (as you likely know--hope I didn't surprise anyone with that announcement). Mondays are a little melancholy for me because it's basically the end of my weekend. I really have no reason to feel this way; most members of the working world only get Saturday and Sunday (and sometimes not even that) to recuperate from a tiring week. But--and I am going to complain now--Tuesday is beginning to feel like Doomsday. I hate waking up early and I hate driving so far to work.

Let's do a little math. The average adult needs about eight hours of sleep a night in order to function at optimum capacity. I wake up at 4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and this time is non-negotiable). Which means, I should be going to bed at 8:30 on Mondays and Wednesdays. But any normal person knows this SIMPLY ISN'T POSSIBLE. For one, 24 is on at 8 (hello!) and I refuse to miss it. Maybe my priorities are a little off, but as of now, Jack Bauer supercedes sleep.

And also, 8:30?? Come on. I bet the last time you went to bed at 8:30, you were six. And you probably stared at the ceiling for an hour before you fell asleep. I have things to do, people. A kitchen to clean. A hubby to kiss. A diaper bag to pack. Blogs to write.

The solution: I feel a little like a zombie on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Life could be worse, though. I could be Bauer-less instead.

Now, for some traffic math. Google Maps says the station is exactly 30.4 miles from my apartment, which means I drive 60.8 miles roundtrip. Twice a week equals 121.6 miles per week. So that means, in one month, I have driven FURTHER THAN DISNEYLAND. Yet, I haven't seen Mickey since 2005. Something is wrong with that.

I have eleven weeks left. When my internship is over, I will have driven approximately 1,824 miles. That's equivalent to driving from here to Tallahassee.

But things could be worse. At least my 60 mile commute doesn't involve ice and crazy Utah drivers.

The pox.

My baby has chicken pox. She actually got the virus from the chicken pox vaccine. It contains a weakened form of the virus, so one in 20 children actually develop chicken pox from the vaccine. Which makes me wonder why we even bother to immunize against it in the first place. But I digress.

Bubby has the chicken pox, complete with nasty lesions, itching, and irritability. Dillon's mom usually watches her on Thursdays, but she's babysitting my 6-month-old niece today. The doctor said we can't expose Bubbs to anyone under 1. So here I am, at home.

I'll have to make up my hours somehow. Ten whole hours. I'll probably have to go in on weekends or something.

So, what do working moms do when the kids are sick? Companies usually give their employers a set amount of sick/unplanned days. Dillon has six for the year, which seems reasonable. But if I had six sick days, that would effectively mean I had none because they'd all go to my kids. Most daycares don't allow you to drop off a child with a fever or vomiting (and certainly, chicken pox would be on the short list). So, when the kids are sick, Mom has to take a sick day from work.

But, you don't get sick days from motherhood. If I happened to wake up with the chicken pox, I'd still be required to change diapers and chase after the munchkin all day. No breaks for Mom, no matter how crappy she feels.

I guess I'll just enjoy my day off. On the bright side, I don't have to drive 80 miles today! And I got the chicken pox as a wee child, so don't worry about me. In case you were. ;)

I'm a baby-stealer!

One of my co-workers posted this on her blog. It's called "Baby Steals", and if you're a mom or you are in the market for baby stuff, this is the place for you! When you sign up on their website, www.babysteals.com, you'll be regularly updated with smokin' baby deals. Check it out!

Yesterday was a great day. I wrote a few stories for the 5:00 and 6:30 shows and they all went on air! So exciting. The producers said they like my work. Talk about a boost of confidence! But, I can't deny that I learned from the best.

I came across this article yesterday at work. Ironic, considering Wednesday's post. If you're a working mom or considering it, read that article. It's excellent!

Working moms: your thoughts.

As soon as a person finds out I'm the intern and I'm graduating in April, they ask:

"What do you want to do after that?"

I know what they're expecting me to say. Something news-related, of course. Producing, reporting, anchoring.

But I'm not so sure I want to do any of those things. So, my answer is, "I'm not sure yet."

You see, working in a newsroom is stressful, fast-paced, and requires a lot of devotion. Viewers are relying on you to get the news out quickly. They want to see compelling video and they want to see it FIRST. They want to know what's going on.

Motherhood also requires a lot of devotion. Maybe even more than a news job. The news goes on 24 hours a day, but producers/reporters/anchors sleep. They have shifts. They get to clock out and go home when the day is over.

If the baby cries at 2 a.m., mom goes back to work. She never clocks out.

So, how can a girl do both?

One purpose of this blog is for me to document my feelings as I try to reconcile a career path with the path I'm already on--the Mother Path. But every day I go to work, I begin to feel like this just isn't possible. My well is getting awfully shallow. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of driving. Dillon -- bless his heart -- is really trying to help, but it's not enough.

And I only have one kid.

I know there are moms out there, reading this blog, who do it all. Their kids are fed, clean, and happy. Their houses are relatively clean. They have boundless energy. And they work.

But really. . . how is it?

If you could have it any way you wanted, what would it be? Would stay home, would you work less hours, would you work full-time? Do you wish it were different for you?

And most importantly, how do you do it?

My rush hour face.

Notice the furrowed brow, the clenched jaw. The huge zit on my face. STREEESSSSSSSSSS.

Driving has never been particularly fun for me. If I had my way I'd ride the light rail, fly, or teleport. But seriously, the 60-mile roundtrip drive is starting to catch up to me, as evidenced by this picture.

Pollyanna moment: At least the skies are blue and the roads are snow-free! If this picture were taken in Utah, I'd probably have flames in my eyes and that zit would be a planet.

Here is the happy newsroom:

Off to the right, you see the temporary set they used while building the new one. In the middle there are lots of computers. That's where the reporters write. Behind that is the "window". It's actually a backlit mural of downtown Phoenix that looks like a window. There aren't any real windows, so they came up with this. It sure tricks you when it's raining outside, though.

That back corner with the little light over the door? That's how you get to the bathroom and the water fountain. I like that door.

Next time, I'll post a picture of the Giant Wall of Monitors and the ENG. It will remind you of NASA.

I'm trying desperately to keep up with housework but I think I'm failing. I still sweep and put dishes in the sink but that's about it. I try to cook dinner on my off days, but it's usually bean burritos or grilled cheese. Audrey seems to be coping fine with it all; I think she likes the "Grandma Time" she's getting twice a week. I do miss her during the days.

I've realized I have to go to bed at 9:30 if I want to be somewhat coherent the next morning. I can't remember the last time I went to bed that early. Third grade? Basically, a long time ago. I've also developed extreme sleep anxiety. Anyone who has ever shared a room with me can attest that when I get stressed, I sleep-talk. And walk.

The other night, I had a vivid dream I was driving on the freeway. It was night time and traffic was horrendous; the freeway was a sea of red lights. In my half-awake stage, I looked at my alarm clock and read 2:06. I tapped Dillon on the shoulder and said, "Honey, why is traffic so BAD at 2 in the morning?" When I realized what I was doing (how embarrassing!), I rolled over and went to sleep.

Amusing, yes. But I do wish these dreams could be limited to the confines of my brain.