Whatcha lookin' for?

So, did you subscribe to Netflix yet? Get on that if you haven't. You get a month free. Then you can start doing Pilates videos, plopping your kids in front of Dora or creeping yourself out with Hoarders. It's awesome!

Ever wonder what people are searching for to get to your blog? If you're with Blogger, you'll notice the handy Stats tab on your dashboard. In there, you can see where people are coming from, what they're looking at and what terms they're Googling to come upon your blog. Pretty sweet. And a bit disconcerting at times. Like, who's looking at my blog in India? Show yourselves!

But the thing that gets me are the search terms people use to find me. Here are some of the weirdest of the past week:

1. "How to defeat a cockroach" - Oh yes, there was that time I had a half-dead cockroach in my bathroom and it nearly ended my life. But I won by sticking a trash can over the sucker so I could go about my bathroomly duties only semi-freaked-out (Dill nabbed it up when he got home later that day). You'll be proud to know I have since upgraded to sucking them up with a vacuum (with my eyes clammed shut, screaming "Ew! Ew! Ew!"). I've even convinced Bubby to do it a few times. Does that make me a bad mom? Don't answer that.

*I realize this makes me sound like I have a filthy, roach-infested house. I don't. They're unfortunately normal here in the summer. And I just convinced at least 30 people never to move to Mesa.

Apparently, people are having the same problem I did once upon a time and are consulting with Teh Internetz for help. Brilliant. Just don't ask me how to defeat a scorpion, because my current battle plan is to scream and cry and then call my father-in-law to come get it for me.

2. "Peeing your pants" - Tell me, readers, have I ever blogged about this? I mean, I don't pee my pants. And if I did, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't be blogging about it (or maybe I would ... ). Perhaps this query is in reference to my potty training saga with Bubby? I really can't figure it out. Enlighten me.

But more importantly, why are people searching "peeing your pants" on Google? Are they looking for solutions to an incontinence problem? Or maybe funny videos? Sorry, but I'm not going to be much help with either of those. However, I am 1-1 on potty training, so I might be able to offer a little insight ... ?

3. "Potty break" - see #2. (No, not THAT #2.) I must blog a lot about bodily functions, I guess. I'm surprised there aren't more queries about broken crotches or messed up lady parts.

4. "Love your short hair" - Ok, I totally get this one. You took a leap of faith, got a pixie cut and realize you hate it. It makes you want to become a hermit. So, you turn to Google in your despair. "Help me love my short hair, Google!" you desperately cry. And then my blog comes up because I really did love my short hair. I am practically the shining example of a short hair lover. In fact, I'm about thisclose to going back to a cropped cut because this A-line bob thing takes forever to style. (Shh, don't tell my mom.) Hopefully, my incessant posts about pixie cuts have allowed you to embrace your 'do. Otherwise ... sorry?

5. "How to get a kite stuck in tall tree" - Really, people? You need to Google this? Maybe you meant, "How to be a moron the hard way." Or, more likely, "How to rub salt in Jenna's wound for sitting idly by as her daughter flew her kite straight into a tree."

Anyway, I'll go ahead and entertain this question with a thoughtful and not-at-all sarcastic answer.

First, take your kite out on a super-windy day. Hurricane conditions will be best. Go to a park with lots of tall trees -- or better yet, a forest if you can. Throw the kite up into the air (a flying buddy will not be necessary in gale force winds) and let the string out. When the kite achieves a reasonable altitude, walk -- no, RUN towards any of the trees in said park/forest. Pull the kite string taut and allow it to make contact with the branches (or even the trunk -- yeah, trunk's probably better) of the tree. Jerk the string up and down and all around to ensure maximum tangling. Let go of the spool of string for good measure.

And that's how you get your kite stuck in a tall tree, Internet.

So tell me, what wacky terms are getting people to YOUR blogs?