The time she sucked up her hair.

May 1997. Don't laugh!

When I was little, I was helpful around the house. I have this story to prove it.

I was probably 10, close to the age in that picture. It must have been summer vacation because I remember this fateful event happened during the day. At the time, I had long, luscious locks of blond hair all the way down my back. I was kind of famous for it. It was the hair every girl wanted.

Anyway, it all started when I was vacuuming the family room floor. See? There's the evidence right there. (As a side note, we never had assigned chores growing up; we were all expected to help out as needed. And we did. I liked that.) We owned a big, heavy vacuum and it sucked HARD. As in literally, it sucked stuff up really well as all vacuums should. Not tryin' to dis' the vacuum. However, why are today's vacuums so crappy? They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Back to the story. So, I was plugging along with this massive machine when suddenly, I saw out of the corner of my eye a miniature Tupperware container on the carpet. My idiotic 9-year-old self thought, "We should pick that up," while my smarter half said, "Don't bend down while this thing's on or your hair will get sucked right off your head!" Somehow, all logic was lost and in a matter of seconds, I concluded the vacuum could suck up a good-sized hunk of plastic but NOT my hair. (In other words, I listened to my stupider half.) I proceeded to bend down and reach for Mr. Tupperware when --

FWUMMMPPP!

(That's the sound of my head being sucked up against the bottom of a vacuum cleaner at a high rate of speed.)

In a second flat, I was bent over with the side of my head against the floor: the machine had violently and ruthlessly consumed my hair and it was not going to let go. I could not move. I could only scream.

Let me tell you, the thoughts that go through your mind when something like this happens are quite ... colorful. I saw: myself entirely bald, myself with a shredded up bloody scalp, myself dying (of course), myself trying to explain this one to the cops, myself with half a head of hair, myself riding in an ambulance with a vacuum on my head. Meanwhile, as these images are flashing through my mind, I'm screaming bloody murder for help, but no one can hear me over the loudness of the massive, over-achieving vacuum. This is it. I'm going to die because I was a good kid who wanted to help her mom! They'll find me in a pile of my own hair! The vacuum will still be sucking away like there's no tomorrow! I'll be on the news!

Well, much to my good fortune, my twin brother soon happened upon the scene and unplugged the vicious Hoover before it could cause further damage. What a smarty, unlike his Tupperware-rescuing sister. I recall the obnoxious whir of the vacuum ceasing immediately as he yanked the cord from the wall (coincidentally, this is the same brother who rescued our baby sister from a bagel fire. Story forthcoming).

My mom then frantically ran over to me, yelling in an exasperated tone as if perhaps I had wanted this to happen. Isn't it funny how moms do this? They're 100 percent concerned until they see their child is still alive and not seriously injured, and then they get angry and lay into the poor kid as if she didn't just have a brush with death. It's like, "I know you're mad that I acted so dumbly, Mom, but I almost lost my scalp. Can I at least have a hug now?"

I nervously awaited my fate as my mom tugged at my hair. Certainly, I'd need a buzz cut if I was lucky. Worst-case scenario, I'd need a scalp transplant. Things weren't looking too good. This was the Suckiest of All Vacuums, remember? I was not getting off easy.

But oh, I did! I walked away from the wreckage missing only a few strands of hair. Relieved but completely freaked out of my mind. Post-traumatic stress. I swear, I did not vacuum for another year after that. My mom was sympathetic.

To this day, I do not pick things off the floor while vacuuming. Even with short hair. That's not a lesson you easily forget, friends. Although I must say, I'm not entirely sure that my current vacuum is even capable of doing that. It's a worthless piece of junk. Which leads to the ...

Question of the Day: What kind of vacuum do you have and DOES IT WORK WELL?