Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Facebook jerks.

I've told you before that I LOVE Facebook. It feeds my wedding obsession, keeps me connected to all those people who never said a word to me in high school and provides me with comedy more often than I could ever hope. So it's pretty much a winning concept in my book, no matter how many times Mark Zuckerberg decides to mutilate it.

But enough of the unsolicited Zuck hatred, right? It's not like we're paying for it.

Anyway, Facebook is also really good at satiating my drama cravings. Facebook's the new Jerry Springer, only you might actually know the people who are going head-to-head and NO COMMERCIALS.

(I do miss the rowdy crowd-chanting, though. "JERRY! JERRY!")

It seems like some people log on solely to be mean-jerkfaces or to put up their dukes. So unfortunate, considering all the wonderful wedding, baby and fashion pictures at which there are to gawk.

Let's start with the one-uppers. Their posts aren't outright rude, but it's obvious they're desperate to inflate their own egos by making everyone else look bad. For instance, you post something like, "My son just took his first steps! YAY!" One-Upper replies, "My daughter was walking at 8 months. Then, she ran a half marathon before she turned 2. Congrats, tho!"

Uh ... thanks ... !

There are also those Facebookers who, without fail, turn even the most benign status updates and pictures into something alarming or tragic. You know what I'm talking about -- I call them fun-suckers. For instance, a woman posts a picture of her cute toddler in a baby wading pool on a sunny summer day and Fun-Sucker says, "Hope she doesn't develop melanoma from such irresponsible sun exposure." Or maybe someone posts, "I'm having spaghetti for dinner tonight" and Fun-Sucker replies, "It better be gluten-free and organic. Otherwise, you can kiss your digestive system goodbye."

Here's some advice: If you make a comment on something and everyone else's comments are nice and supportive while yours is a direct quote from Debbie Downer, something is WRONG with you.


Oh yeah, and adding "LOL" only adds insult to injury. So just don't do it.

Then, there's those Facebook users who refuse to lose an argument. They just don't know how to quit. Letting go of a debate is not in their program. I'm all for some healthy back-and-forth once in a while, but come on -- leaving 14 humongous and obnoxious comments about Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan on someone else's Wall is not a sign of genius; it's a sign that you didn't get enough attention as a child. MOVE ON, before you develop carpal tunnel syndrome.

Here are 10 things you can do instead of being a jerk on Facebook. I call them my "I Spent Too Much Time Arguing on Facebook and Now My Head Hurts and I'm Grumpy -- What Should I Do?" list:

1) Watch "Yo Gabba Gabba!"
2) Bake cookies
3) Read Harry Potter
4) Make a tulle wreath
5) Play with your kids
6) Do your homework
7) Paint your toenails
8) Read my blog
9) Have a nice conversation with your husband or wife
10) Take a nap, Grumpyface

All are sure to make you feel better, especially #8. LOL.

Question of the Day: What are your Facebook peeves?


  1. This couldn't be more true, and totally made me laugh. I'm not a grumpy face on Facebook, in fact I really comment or update on there anymore ... however I'm currently doing #8 :)

  2. oh my goodness i dislike the grumps on facebook! but the one that gets me the most are the people that only post negative things. or the ones where you can tell they are just itching for simpathy. ugh! face your problems, don't facebook them! :)

    loved this post!

  3. The one that gets me it the passive aggressive status ie:"You are the dumbest person in the whole world"

    Only posted to cause DRAMA! So everyone knows you're angry at someone but not who it is (they might not even know)

  4. Speaking from some personal experience?!?

    Now I'm a little worried that I've fallen into one of these categories from time to time! Like the "one-upper". Being a first time mom does that to me I think. Not so much trying to be better, but always mentioning my child when I comment. Especially on other blogs.

    Facebook drama drives me crazy. I found out my sister and her husband were separated through facebook. Really? Both of them changed their marriage status, one no longer saying she's married and the other showing he's married, but removed who to. How childish is that?!? Why does the world need to know your business?

  5. It's OK to mention your child or your similar situation on peoples' statuses -- it shows empathy and an ability to relate. It's when people specifically try to one-up others. It's really obvious. I'm sure you've never done it, Sara. You're too sweet!

    @Heidi, the passive-aggressive statuses always throw me for a loop. Ninety percent of the time I wonder if it was specifically aimed at me.

  6. Bahaaa loves this. My pet peeve and sometimes favorite thing about FB are the sinfully boring status updates: 'I just went to a store!' 'Had oatmeal for breakfast!' 'I'm in math class!' Calm down, you party animal.

  7. Um, agree with ALL of this.

    I'd agree with the above pet peeve: passive-aggressive statuses. I had a friend freshman year in college who, when I called him a few times over Christmas break and he didn't answer, wrote "(name) wishes people would get the hint and stop calling." Wow, thanks for that. :P

    On a nice note, I'm doing number 8 right now and it's lovely. Love your blog!! :)

  8. Isn't facebook awesome? I also despise vague-booking--when someone says crap like "maybe someday I'll recover from today" and you're left wondering "did a family member die? did they fail a test? did they eat some bad sushi? Did they tuck their skirt into their underwear? Do I actually have to offer consolation or are they just fishing for attention?!?" Gah.

    And Mandy, your comment reminded me of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w

  9. The vague comments always bug me too! Oh and the countdown facebookers. Nobody needs to know that your going on vacation in 28 days, 27 days, 26 days... Ahhhh! :) Love ur blog!

  10. Oh or the comments like "I can't believe this is happening". And then if you do actually bite and ask why they say just a lot of personal stuff.

  11. My favorite is when someone posts something sad or unfortunate ex. My daughter has (insert condition) does anybody have experience with this?
    And the first responses back are "what is that?" "she has what?" they don't even start with "I'm sorry to hear that" before they start their prying!

  12. Well said Jenna! I unfortunately am guilty of the passive aggressive status post. I had a friend who posted whining comments about going to work at least 3 times A DAY. But I do have to say...it worked. :) Does this count as one upping?

  13. Too bad people just don't get it!

    I would never post when I'm going on vaca, that's how thieves know how to break into your home! Duh!

    I'm all about baking when I'm grumpy, too, or else eating outrageous amounts of cheese.

  14. @Ashley: Can you imagine what it'd be like if we did that in real life? I think sometimes people forget that they're talking to real people on Facebook. It's pretty sad!

    @Elle I'd say that counts as a double-whammy! ;)

    @Creole YES to CHEESE!

  15. holy crap I am laughing so hard because this is SO TRUE! so so so true! ah, love it!

    you have a new follower for sure!!!!!!

    Adventures of Newlyweds

  16. Hilarious!! This is exactly why I am not on facebook. Although I do occasionally check on people through my husband's page. Along those lines, I once wrote a blog post about a tough day with my kids (then 3, 2, and 6 months), and someone commented, "Sounds like your three are as tough as my one." It took me a good five reads before I understood, because I just couldn't believe someone would say something so incredibly rude!

  17. I've posted a passive aggressive FB status before knowing full well as I was typing it that it was passive aggressive and it would upset the involved parties because they would recognize themselves. Not my best FB moment and still suffering the family awkwardness consequence from it 4-1/2 months later.
    I've started to wonder sometimes as I'm typing a reply if I'm being a one-upper so then since I can't figure out how to reply without mentioning myself (I don't want everyone to think I'm a narcissist after all) and I can't so then I just don't comment at all. Then again, I do have 2 FB accounts, 1 Twitter account, 1 +google account, and 2 blog accounts.... so who am I kidding? I am a narcissist!

  18. Facebook is not a place to discuss religion. I've encountered "The Bible Is Not Infallible" and "Are Mormons Christian?". I felt obligated to add "Sometimes on Facebook, discussions on religion become bitter and attacking. I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you, and I share my convictions in the attitude of respect and understanding.

  19. I agree with this so much except I hate yo gabba gabba! I put it on the other day and Julia started crying and screaming NOOO! haha!

  20. My biggest pet-peeve is when people are negative ALL the time. I understand that we all have bad days, and I'm the kind of person that when I need help I'm going to ask for it, and FB is one place where I can ask ALL my friends if they can help me through a tough time. But people who are CONSISTENTLY complaining about life, and how terrible everything is, I just un-friend them, because I can't take it.

    Great Post, Jenna :-)

  21. Amen sister! I know we've all had a Facebook faux pas before, but there might need to be a fb police to tell people how badly they are behaving.

  22. I stalked onto your blog and I find you quite adorable! :D

    I think my facebook peeve is when people "like" their own status. I mean, hello?!?! You wrote it- of COURSE you're going to like it. Duh.

  23. Stopping by from SITS -- Happy SITS Day!

    Facebook peeves? Yeah, I hate those One-Uppers, too. And I really get ticked off when people post links to photos of dead animals (or videos) and other gross things. I suppose it's cuz I'm such a visual person, the images disturb me a whole lot :(

  24. Yes, mean people suck. They suck the fun right out of things.

    Boy, you must be really angry with them if you're going to make them watch Yo Gabba Gabba. That's a stiff punishment.

    The other things all sound nice though. Maybe I'll go be snotty on facebook so I can feel better about taking a nap.

    I hide obnoxious people quite regularly. The other day I realized there was almost nothing happening in my facebook stream for a long time. I checked and, sure enough, I had more than half my friends hidden. I guess I get to keep the drama or keep the boring. Tough choice some days.

  25. I loved this! Hysterical! Happy SITS day!

  26. SO TRUE! We talk about how Facebook turns into Meanbook way too often in my classes, my students will get a kick out of this! Happy SITS day!

  27. This post was right on the money. I think it's time to weed through the Debbie Downers in my timeline and hide the negativity :)

    Happy SITS Day

  28. I have to say- I was tempted to delete my Facebook account. I didn't because an old friend announced her pregnancy with twins and it was great news!

  29. I've been tempted to delete my account too due to things you talked about. Your post is right on. I just try to ignore people now and I don't get on as much as I used to.

  30. Oh my goodness, that is so true! I didn't think about it, but you are right. I've seen the ones who can't let others post a great event without trying to one up them. Too funny!

  31. You're right, FB is awesome though it can also suck when people post what's not good to say. Happy SITS Day!

  32. My fb friends are clearly not as interesting as yours. My fb friends are all like "I'm playing at Julie's Lounge tonight!" and then everyone hits the like button but nobody goes.


    Happy SITS day!

  33. OMG I can so relate to this post. A couple weeks ago I posted something about my life that was meant to be positive. People who don't like me but subscribe to me told their friend that I was bashing her on Facebook.

    I wasn't bashing anyone. I got a nasty gram that felt like a physical slap in the face and I couldn't even bother getting upset, because it's all so silly.

    I'm forty about to turn forty one and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't end. There are just those people who believe everything is about them and it's an attack.

    I've learned to laugh about it and then I talk about on Facebook so everyone else can laugh too.

    LOL - I wonder if they figured out how to unsubscribe to me yet.

  34. Love this post. You are totally right in that Facebook is the new Jerry Springer - but in real time! Although I may have been guilty once or twice of being the organic, gluten free pasta pusher. I'll try harder to keep that stuff to myself :)


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