Monday, March 2, 2020

The freedom of not knowing.

I grew up saying, "I know,"
And I said it so many times,
I started to believe it was true.

Then, the knowledge demanded
That I never question
Never wonder
Never see things differently.

If I did, I was unworthy;
If I didn't, I was good.
That's how it was.

Knowledge demanded that I give everything
And I did!
Oh, I did.
Until I had nothing left to give.
Just a hundred questions,
A broken body,
A broken mind,
And a broken heart.

Then one day,
In my shattered state, I decided:
Maybe
I don't need to know,
I don't need to worry.

If there's a God --
The parent of my spirit --
He, she, or it loves me,
And they won't care
Whether I know or not.

I exhaled.

I started to heal.
The pieces  of my mind, body, and heart are coming back together,
Finally.

I am loved
I am safe
I am whole
I am free

And I don't need to know anything.


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  2. This deeply resonates with me. Exhaling & healing describes it perfectly. When I left the mormon church 6 years ago, there was some uncertainty for how my friends and family would react, but I never felt that God would condemn me for it. In fact, I felt such a surety in my decision to leave that it scared me a bit. How could leaving everything I knew to be true, be right? But it was, and still is, and although I know it's hard for mormons to comprehend how life can have purpose without mormon philosophy or how someone can live without (seemingly) having all the answers, for me it improved my life exponentially. Breaking free was the best thing I did for my family.

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