Friday, December 7, 2012

Five Christmas songs that I could live without.

Don't forget about the My Memories giveaway I posted earlier! It ends next Tuesday! Very low entry count so far so your odds are likely good.

After Thanksgiving, I start listening to a local radio station that plays Christmas music non-stop. It's pretty fun and gets me excited for the season, plus my kids love it. I enjoy most Christmas music, but some of the most popular songs are just plain disastrous to me. Notice how I said, "to me," because I'm sure many of you totally adore these songs. I hope we can still be friends even though our tastes in Christmas music differ.

I've created this list so you can see what annoys me (and hopefully not use it as a means of torture later). So as not to be a total Scrooge, though, I will also include a "silver lining" after each video link. Something slightly redeeming about the song. I'm not a total pessimist, see? I can find the good in anything!

Anyhoo, let's begin.

1. "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer." So, when I was a kid, I thought this song was kind of funny -- drunk Grandma gets squashed by Santa's reindeer and is left with hoofprints on her forehead. But then I started envisioning my own grandma getting ran over by a reindeer while walking home on the quaint streets of Caldwell, Idaho on Christmas Eve, and well, that ruined it for me. Don't let the jaunty beat fool you -- this song is truly depressing. And way to go, Santa, for letting your out-of-control pets ruin someone else's Christmas.



Silver lining: Warns against the dangers of drug and/or alcohol abuse. Grandmas, drink your egg nog responsibly.

2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside." First off, this is hardly a Christmas song. More like a winter song. But anyway, that's not what irks me about this little ditty. It's the creeptacular way the punch-drunk dude relentlessly tries to convince his love interest to stay at his house (perhaps after a party) due to unexpected  frigid weather. Even though she repeatedly tells him she "the answer is 'NO'." Sir, let the girl GO already! Your desperation is probably freaking her out. The next step is a restraining order.

And then, in the middle of the song she asks, unprompted, "Say, what's in this drink?" Is she suddenly curious about the type of liquor in the cocktail, trying to change the subject of his intense desire for her, or does she sense she's getting roofied? In any case, it seems like the guy wins and she stays the night at the end of the song. I kind of feel like  "Let It Snow" basically accomplishes the same feeling of weather-induced romantic giddiness without the undertones of sexual coercion and loose drunkenness. But I could be wrong.



Silver lining: Will Ferrel singing this with Zooey Deschanel in Elf is freaking hilarious.

3. "Last Christmas." Dear Taylor Swift, Ashley Tisdale, Jimmy Eat World and the cast of Glee: No amount of remixing is going to make this song awesome. And I like a lot of WHAM!'s stuff, but this one is not amongst their finest works of art. It's not even a Christmas song, really, besides the fact the event in question took place on a Christmas. Last Christmas, to be exact.

Listen, George Michael. I get that you're sad your girlfriend used you as a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. But seriously, it's creepy. A whole year has passed and you're still blubbering about it? Have some egg nog (but not too much -- don't want to end up like Grandma!) and move on already.

Now, for the hysterical '80's-tastic video. Love the hair, George.



Silver Lining: Best shot in this cheesy video is at 1:26. George, you sure wear that fluffy Eskimo coat well. Emo before it was cool.

4. "I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas." Which should be sub-titled, "I'm A Self-Centered Brat Who Makes Unreasonable Demands." Yikes. I'm not wholly against wishing for hippopotamus...es (hippopotami?) for Christmas, but do you have to be so insufferably witchy about it? Really, only a hippopotamus will do? What about an iPad? They probably cost just as much but they won't eat your face off.

Beside the fact the singer's voice makes my ears bleed, this is just a dumb song. Sorry if you love it. I feel like it needs to go the way of the Twinkie ASAP.



Silver lining:
The lines, Mom says a hippo would eat me up but then / Teacher says the hippo is a vegetarian. Most excellent rhyming right there.

5. "Santa, Baby." This is the hippopotamus lover all grown up, but this time she's trying to seduce Santa into giving her a bunch of expensive crap. A convertible -- light blue. A yacht. Decorations from Tiffany's. THE DEED to a PLATINUM MINE. I mean, really? Christmas is for kids. If you're an adult, go buy your own flapping platinum mine. Stop draining Santa's funds. Yanno? Plus, the singer's sultry tone suggests she's probably be on the naughty list, anyway. Maybe she'll find a diamond in her lump of coal.



Silver lining: The contrast between the straight rhythm interlude between verses and the swung rhythm of the rest of the song. Music geek alert!!!

It'd probably be a nice, anti-Scrooge thing to make a "Five Favorite Christmas Songs" list too, huh? Be on the lookout for that.

19 comments:

  1. I CAN'T STAND Santa Baby! The song drives me nuts. I was out seeing a movie the other day, and they played that song before the movie started. After listening to the lyrics closely, I too couldn't believe how "date rape-like" it was. Gross! Not my idea of a Christmas classic. haha

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    1. Oh and btw, this is Brittney Brooke. I'm signed into my husband's account, go figure. :)

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  2. Yes to all, but I have to add Christmas Shoes to that list. And yes, "Baby It's Cold Outside" is a song about date rape.

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  3. This made me laugh out loud! These are all on my list too!!! So glad someone else feels the same way I do. ha ha

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  4. I love this list and all of the reasons! I totally agree with you on all points.

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  5. My seven year old heard Santa Baby on the radio the other day and had so many questions! She decided that the only way that song was appropriate was if the woman singing it was "Mrs. Claus"....because no one else should be calling Santa "baby" :)

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  6. Hahaha, totally! Well, except for Baby it's cold outside. I can't help it! I love duets!

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  7. I'm sad that Christmas Shoes didn't make the list. It is just an aweful pitiful song! BLEECH!

    Hate to break it to you but the streets of Caldwell are anything but quaint. Dirty and smelly? Yes. Quaint, not so much. ;)

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  8. Love your descriptions of the songs :) I really, really wish they would play some different songs on the Christmas radio! Hearing three different versions of Let It Snow in an hour is still like hearing the same song over and over. Aren't there new Christmas songs out there?

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  9. Okay, I'll just be honest -- I kind of like "Santa, Baby." I just think it's funny! And Santa's way too smart to fall for it, anyway. :) The exception is Madonna's version, which is obviously the most obnoxious song ever recorded.

    I totally agree with the others, though. I can't help but complain about "Last Christmas" every time it comes on. PLUS, that one and "Baby, It's Cold Outside" seem to get played ALL THE TIME. Am I right?

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  10. I like Jimmy Eat World's version of Last Christmas. I'm actually surprised you don't like it.

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    1. Honey, if Jimmy Eat World can't make a bad song good, then it's hopeless. ;)

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  11. Please tell me that Jingle Bells by Barbra Streisand is on your list of favorites. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, go find it. Oh, that Babs. :)

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  12. Amen and Amen! (except for "Last Christmas" I kind of like that song). I'd have to add to your list "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus"...ugh talk about Mommy and Santa (both of whom are married to other people) getting a little too frisky underneath the Christmas tree. Come on! Seriously? Who comes up with these ridiculous songs?! That have nothing to do with Christmas. But then maybe Santa is really daddy dressed as Santa but the little boy watching doesn't realize it, and so Mom really isn't commiting adultery? Ugh regardless I hate the song. I mostly prefer Christmas songs that are about Christ. Anyways I'll stop my rant now.

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  13. For some reason your post has made me like these songs more. Ha ha, not really. I do love the duet quality about baby it's cold outside, but yeah, once you actually listen to the words it's pretty creepy. And that Wham video?! Priceless! And I completely agree that the best moment is George in the big furry hood. Awesome! As far as the song, it feels like it just keeps repeating itself too. How about some new lyrics?

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  14. I kind of like the Glee version of "Baby It's Cold Outside". But I agree with your list. Some songs you can do without.

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  15. Agree, except I like "Last Christmas"...the first few times I hear it. What about Christmas Shoes?? That song is the worst!! Another song people seem to not like it "All I Want For Christmas is You" by the Mariah...but I secretly love it :)

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  16. I'm so with you for "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". Hahah and I now will never think of "Baby its cold outside" the same way again....

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